Why I Am Incapable Of Loving Someone

LOVE. To me, it’s just a word because ever since I started looking for its meaning, there are just complications that I have come across.

Coming from a family where your parents were married to each other because their family asked them to and spending your whole childhood among compromises and sacrifices doesn’t leave you much inclined towards love. Isn’t it?

When I grew up a little and started watching all those love stories and rom-coms, I couldn’t relate to any of them. But was it my fault? No, because I wasn’t brought up in a family where love held that much importance.

It looked like being with someone is more about running a life and not about love. Though I completely couldn’t understand that concept, I couldn’t understand love too.

After reaching my teens, all I could see around me were my friends dating people and talk about how love is changing their life. Well, those guys seemed to be too much in love and that made me wonder where I lack. Just because I was intrigued to know how it all works, I started dating too. Guess what? I blew it up and the guy literally told me that I am emotionally unavailable.

You know why? Because I treated him just the way I treat everyone else in my life. I didn’t know that I have to give him extra attention or I need to be all lovey dovey to him so that he can fall in love with my words. All I knew is that he is just another friend of mine who is a little more special. But was I supposed to change the way I behave for him? No, I didn’t think so.

The whole concept of being in love and treating this one person in the most special way of this world isn’t something I am still able to comprehend. To me, if I am meant to be with someone, I would be happier if I get to be myself in front of him. If I can’t be myself, then seriously I don’t think I have any space for love in my life.

I don’t have any hesitation in saying that I will always suck at love because the kind of conditions it comes with are too hard for me to handle. So, instead of changing myself, I would wait for someone who understands me.